30 by 30: Growing Old Got Old

“You know the problem with grads? It’s their sense of bloody entitlement. It’s like because they've graduated, or have  gone through a ‘competitive grad scheme’ they are now obligated only to do the interesting bits of a job; get promoted without demonstrating any competence; and have things handed to them rather than going and getting them for themselves. When I started out, I knew I’d have to put in a good few years of silly hours to set me up for the rest of my career and I was more than happy to do so”

And there, ladies and gentlemen, you have the exact moment when I got old and bitter. I performed the holy trinity of bitter old man - answering my own rhetorical question, wheeling out the tried and tested “kids these days don’t know how lucky they are” and topping it off with a bit of “in my day we knew the value of toil”.

#7 Aurora Borealis

My bed at home is awesome.

It's king sized, more comfortable than a ball pool filled with candy floss (although significantly less tasty) and mechanically produces a TV out the end upon the simple press of the button to allow in-bed-Xbox-playing during the early afternoon of an Easter Monday when the wife is gallivanting around in Australia.

A few weeks ago, life was less comfortable - sandwiched between two single mattresses in a double sleeping bag with one of the world's most prominent bed hogs in sub-zero temperatures whilst being overlooked by a couple of sinister figures was less than the five star luxury I have come to expect during my shut-eye.

#17 Le Canard Chubbie

A few weeks ago, a teen had their stomach removed from drinking liquid nitrogen. A few weeks ago, I nearly had mine removed for gross overeating (including liquid nitrogen).

Don't get me wrong. Heston Blumenthal is a Class A douche. His attempt to fix Little Chef was beyond a pretentious joke befitting of a man who's every ounce of personality was instead bestowed at birth to his estranged twin brother, Harry Hill.

Let me summarise by showing a photograph of Heston that best sums up his contribution to the world from a personal perspective...

#10 Boom Boom Dollar

Oh wonderous Bracknell, location of the film "Buddy's Song" - a heartwarming epic where the life and times of one Buddy Holly are portrayed through the stellar theatrical abilities of the one and only Mr. Chesney Hawkes.

Yes Bracknell, home of the John Nike Leisure Centre (referenced by such celebreties as Alastair G), the inspiration for the "Sound of Bracknell Ice Rink" that once filled the dark and dingy rooms of Hertford College Bar.

Most importantly Bracknell, home of the world famous for the Hollywood bowl - one of the few leisure venues I have ever attended that was manfully patrolled by members of Bracknell's finest doorman community. However, it was not the doormen, nor the prospect of flinging some turkeys, nor the fine cuisine served by its American-stle diner that set the Hollywood Bowl appart. No. The draw of the Hollywood bowl was one simple arcade machine...

Ashley Young and the 6Ps

So, turns out it's 18 months until I'm 30 (18 months minus two days now) and not a single person bought me a 28 and a half-th bithday card, let alone a gift.

Well, I'm all for self gifting so I bought me a return train ticket to Southampton and wandered over to one of four 10m diving board equipped pools in the country¹. I threw on my swim shorts (Speedos are never necessary) and swam a quick 150m in the pool as a warm up (all helps towards the six-pack I suppose)...

30 by 30: Growing Old Is Getting Old

"So we all, are growing old, and it's getting old...

...Suddenly, we decompose, but we're not alone"

(Silversun Pickups - Growing Old Is Getting Old)

Depressing isn't it?

Not as depressing as finding out you turn 30 on Friday the 13th of December 2013. If there was a 13th month, it would've probably been then.

Today, there are precisely 19 months until my 30th Birthday. And dammit, I'm not just going to let it creep up on me.

You see, I don't feel that old, in fact I'm one of the most childish people I know. I binge drink like I'm still at uni, love my Xbox and still find Family Guy and South Park hilarious. On top of that, I'm probably not far off the fittest I've been (and a good couple of stone from the fattest) for a while - yesterday's Tough Mudder is at least some proof of that.

So, last Thursday. I signed up for a marathon. Actually, I signed up to 2 within 8 days next April (although I probably won't get into the London one). Having done that, I thought "why stop there?".

I spent a lonely Virgin Train journey back from Coventry to London googling "bucket lists" and coming up with load of my own to get to the magic "30 by 30" list.